my Story

Becoming Dr. O
ONCE UPON A TIME on the 7th of October 1989, God decided to add one of God’s precious creations into this planet we call Earth (same birth date as ArchBishop Desmond Tutu). I was born at Boitumelo Hospital in Kroonstad, Saturday evening 21:15, as my mother keeps reminding me.
Born out of wedlock from an 18 year old mother, I was named “Oscar” by my aunt ‘s employer’s wife, my middle name is Mzaefane which means “Homes are different”, which in reality they are. I am currently 25 years young*I am sure you probably worked that out after reading the 1st sentence*.
The First Phase...
The first phase of my life I lived in Snake Park, a small township in Kroonstad known for being a place where ‘refugees’ who come from satellite rural areas come to reside. For the first six years of my life, I lived with my Beloved grandmother whom I referred to as “Mme” meaning Mother, along with my beloved cousins. I feel that this was a bitter-sweet experience for me because my mother was not living with me at the time. My mom was living in Johannes burg and could only visit me intermittently during school holidays Therefore, now I do realise that missed the opportunity for the mother-&-son bond with her, the establishment of the primodial relationship with her, for which I believe is a crucial mistake a parent can make.


First six Years....
I would like to hope that most adults know that the first six years of anychild are the most important years because that’s a period where you most need stimulation, guidance, protection and most importantly a sense of knowing that you are worthy, you belong and some how you matter to your parents or gaurdians and those around you. You can ask all the adults who have a problem with intimacy and I bet you most of them will tell you that they never felt acknowledge or hardly felt that they mattered to those who were close to them during the early part of their lives. They felt little love
My Grandmother......
However, I have to mention that it was at the same time wonderful living with my grandmother who was a passionate woman full of determination and strength and was able to support all her grandchildren while working at a Crèche; cooking & cleaning. My grandmother is very special to me because of her determination to persevere despite the odds and circumstance and the odd thing is I haven’t told her this. She is the 1st woman to ever inspire me about living a better life. She has the ultimate best place in my heart and mind. I know most black children relates to the granny- Love. My cousins were my friends, we did almost everything together, we even ate inside the same dish. Its amazing to see what kind of adults everybody turned out to be.


I began schooling......
I began schooling at the age of 5 years at Phuleng Primary school, which was like a few kilometers away from my house and I had to walk every day. It was really fun, except during the rainy season. I loved school very much because for those few hours I was at school, I would get a chance to forget about the fact that my mother was not around, or that we didnt have enough back at home. I think most children from disadvantaged communities like the idea of going to school because they get to “loose” themselves and forget about their issues at home. I enjoyed being given a challenge, I still remember how difficult it was to write “Oscar” for the first time, I got confused whether to use a “k” or “c” There is one particular “LOL” incidence that occurred to me during Grade 1; it was my first ever field trip at school, we were going to visit a leisure park and the day before the trip I was so excited that I had so much energy, so 5 yr old hyperactive Oscar tried to walk on a rolling drum and I ended up dislocating my right elbow and that is why today I use my left hand almost for everything.
In grade 2.....
Then in Grade 2 my mother decided that it was time she took me to the “City of Lights-JHB”. My first ever train ride to JHB. We lived in Soweto and this was really an awful experience for me because we lived from one home to another with all the different men in her life. I judge it as “awful” because I believe everychild deserves stability and a sense of belonging. This was a period where I initially became aware of my own insecurities, I felt like I couldn’t meet the standards of other kids e.g. when other kids mentioned that they had dinner with their mother and father and perhaps siblings, I felt like an outsider because the was nothing I could compete with because my story was odd, I could say; well I had dinner in a strangers home with my mother and this other man whom I really don’t know for sure. Therefore in order to feel better my escape became focusing on my academics. I really excelled in academics at Mekgatong Primary School in Soweto, that’s where I got my confidence and knew they could never compete with me.


Academic excellence......
So I used academic excellence to mask my own feelings of inadequacy. I was fortunate to choose academics because some children choose bad company or drugs, alcohol, food, sexual promiscuity or just being naughty. So the next time you see a child being naughty or addicted to anything, dont think the child is just being bad but have a better perspective: the child is trying to use something to deal and cope with his own insecurities and if the child doesn’t heal, he or she grows up to become an adult carrying those addictions from childhood.
back to Kroonstad......
Then in 1997 it was back to Kroonstad where I went schooling at Moepeng Intermediate school from Grade 3-Grade 8 and lived with my mother in Marabastad(Ou Kasi). This was a challenging experience for me and my mom because we didn’t have that “special” premitive bond, so it was very hard to understand each other. Therefore we had a lot of disagreements and I was against her lifestyle and she complained that I was “book-smart” and not “street-smart. There is nothing frustrating for a child to not feel inspired or motivated to become the best. So then I decided to search outside my home and family for somebody who had a much grand vision about life and so I ended up praying and hoping for a “saviour”.


first encounter......
My prayer was answered in 2001, I remember sitting on my mother’s zebra couch and I was watching the news and then the Oprah Winfrey’s story came on and I was awestruck! Never have I seen or heard of somebody who possessed so much passion, success and was very intelligent and yet was as humble as a new born baby. That encounter I had with Oprah via Tv at the age of 12 changed the way I feel about myself and the possibility of what life can be, no matter the circumstances. Every little bit of truth I know about life it’s all because I knew Dr. Oprah Winfrey. I really think it was a pivotal moment in my life when I realised that God or something bigger that my mind could not comprehend was watching over me and hearing my prayers.
During high school.....
During my high school I went to JSM Setiloane secondary school, a short lived experince in a school known for “student strikes”, dropping matric pass rate. I look back and think how did I end up deciding to go study there and the only reason I could come up with was that the school was a walking distance away from my house. Bad motivation, really. By this time my mother and I had moved to the suburbs. My mother decided to take me to a much greater school, Kroonstad Akademie, a private school with Cambridge University Syllabus. Let me just mention that its really amazing that a parent who only went up to grade 12 would understand the importance of taking her child to a great school. My mother has always supported my education and she has done her best to make sure that I get the best of the things she as yet to accomplish.


"snob's school"......
Kroonstad Akademie or the “snob’s school’ as it is somtimes called by other schools was where I studied from Grade 9-12 and it was the most challenging experience EVER like EVER. Imagine it for yourself, I was in my mid-teenage years having difficulty trying to fit-in (don’t all teenagers go through that!) at an All-white-Afrikaans school. There is nothing worse than going to school everyday but yet still think you are insignificant or that you are the “underdog”. Its like underestimating your own existence or thinking that there is something wrong with you based on your skin colour or the fact that you do not have the same material possessions as the other kids. In order to try and compensate I made my biggest mistakes ever which was taking myself for granted and diminishing my own “light’ so that other kids won’t feel intimidated that a black student was smarter than they thought. So I feel like I played very small and lost most of my confidence, my academics really went down-south. My academics did somehow recover and I ended up being accepted at Medical school.
my own truth.....
In addition I was also battling to live my own truth and just be honest with myself and accept that I have a controversial sexuality. Living in a world where people feel the need to attack you or demean your existence because you are unconventional or do not conform to the status quo, makes it very difficult for gay people to come out of their own shells. Most gay people have a deep seated fear that other people will treat them like an outsider and make them feel less of a human.


living a lie....
Only recently did I realise that living a lie is one of the worst things you can do, and that only a true wise human being will be able to see another human being beyond the labels of this world and love you as much as he loves himself. I am gay, that’s a fact, however it doesn’t define me, I don’t feel it’s a great responsibility nor do I think I have to live up to the expectation of what being gay is. It takes a fool to believe God’s love is determined by sexuality!
you will always be OKAY....
No matter who you are and how well you choose to live your life, there is always going to be someone or some people who will not like you. However you must KNOW and realize that even if people do not accept you, … you will always be OKAY, you will still wake up every day and decide what you want to do with your life. The sun will keep on rising!


Bottom line....
Well the bottom line for me is living my life with an open heart, not neccessarily allowing myself to be defined by the labels of this world and allowing everyone to be fully themselves without any condition. Sexual expression is a Universal Phenomenon only narrow minded people, “Penguins” as I usually refer to them, want to invent what they deem to be an acceptable or appropriate way of living. I dont really give a fuck about them but I am more interested in honouring this gift of life in such a way that I get to fullfill my most heartfelt truest highest expression of myself as an individual. So, for me defining myself with any label whether is gay, black, African is making myself really small, Limiting myself. Don’t get me wrong, I wont deny any of my human characteristics, I just strongly feel they are not the entire Composite of my life but a section of it, so I will honour them and I wont allow anybody to tell me otherwise. This makes it easier for me to be myself in this world which tries hard enough to make you into everybody else.
"grown up"......
I have to mention that since I have “grown up” a bit, now officially a Medical Doctor, my relationship with my mother has improved and it’s much better. We are at a good place now because we were able to compromise our egoic desires AND meet each other wherever we are. I do give deep reverence and honour to her for giving me life and for doing her best to support me, guide me, protect me and love me to the best of her potential. I wanna thank her for accepting me as her son not all gay guys get that from their parents. What can I say, she is truly a mother and I love her so much.


False assumptions.....
Alot of people including close friends, like to make false assumptions about my mom’s reaction to having a gay son such as “oh, your mother must be disappointed that you will not be bringing a wife home or that it must be hard for your mom to come to terms with your gayness”. I find that ammusing since I know for sure that my mother falls under that category of “Good mothers” those rare parents who really master that art of parent hood and that is: Even though your children come through you, you do not own them nor do you have to create unneccessary expectations of how their life should unfold. She is a fantastic parent who fully understands that a good parent does his/her best to provide, guide, protect, nurture for her children but most importantly provides enough SPACE for the children to become whom they feel most honest, to evolve and become great individuals who OWN their own lives.
My biological father....
My biological father, passed away in 2001, I really have little knowledge of him thats why I never mentioned him since the longest intimate father-son moment only lasted like for four hours, seriously, he was a busy business man who never had time for family. One thing I really appreciate from him is that I heard from my grandmother that he actually gave me names with substance which my mother refused to put on my birth certificate (thanx goodness)i.e. Mavokovoko which means excessive wealth and Tjobolo which is a bird in the sky whose main purpose is to steer the other birds into the right direction.


siblings.....
I have two siblings from my mother and step-father; my little brother Thabang, 12 years old, the coolest and the most wonderful person I know, he just makes life feel great for me and my little sweet sister Manstwaki, 5 years old, whom I really adore and forever surprised about the kind of soul she has. I know for sure that she is going to make this world a better place with her talents and gifts. I wish everyone could Be in her presence for a just a few minutes, her personality is infectious. But she is so sweet and too smart for her age, I mean at 5yrs old she wants her own handbag and lip stick. *Cant wait to go shopping with her when she is older* I also have 2 other siblings from my biological father whom I have little contact with. My step father is a very generous kind man who works as a civil engineer at SANDF in Bethlehem, what I most like about him is that he is kind, loving and very supportive in my Academics and he has great hopes for me and he BELIEVES in me, you hardly get such step fathers and therefore I am grateful indeed. Never in my life have I met such a man who supports another man’s child wholeheartedly. It is such special people in my life that makes me think twice before I complain about anything.
public speaking....
I really love public speaking, the ability to use your voice and talk about topics that resonates with other people is a good way of connecting with others. I also love reading but so far I don’t have the time to, so far I have been reading Daring Greatly by Dr Brene Brown. I really enjoy reading thought provoking books; books for me represent freedom from a limited perspective on life. I believe with all my heart that most solutions for our problems are contained within books. My favourite authors are Eckhart Tolle, Marriane Williamson, Randy Paustch, Dr. Maya Angelo, Toni Morrison, Iyanla Vanzant etc. In addition, I am the most loyal if not the biggest Oprah Winfrey fan ever, I try not to miss her daily talk shows, I buy her magazines every single month, the funny thing is there has never been a day since 2001 where I don’t think about her or say her name. (Crazy Fan) I really think I am starting to enjoy internal medicine, it’s like text books have “come to life”.


feel motivated.....
I really feel motivated about the possibility of what my mind can do, the ability to think critically and to make decisions is one of the great gifts of being a human. The ability to use my mind in order to make a difference in somebody’s life is one of the greatest tasks ever. My community and my family esp my siblings have been great motivation during medical Skool. I feel like now that I am officially a Doctor, I represent great role model for them, like a symbol that you are not a product of your circumstances but a composite of everything you believe is possible in life.
I really do not like.....
I really do not like people who invalidate others and make them feel inferior. People who are not open to any alternative interpretation of reality are some of the most dangerous people on our planet .I believe ignorance and indifference are our main problems . I feel being a doctor is a great opportunity to honour and connect with other people!


spiritual journey.....
I am on a spiritual journey just like every other individual whether they are conscious of it or not. I am not a very religious person; I do not regard myself as belonging to any specific religion. However I do believe every religion consists within itself the SAME deepest and highest of all Truth even though they use different terms and labels to describe it. At the core of every religion, listen carefully, the are all speaking about THE SAME thing and it goes without saying that I have deep respect FOR ALL faiths and that God is one.
conscious decision.....
Therefore I made a conscious decision in my late teenage years to use every little bit of wisdom contained in every religion as a guide and tool to teach me what I most need to know on this spiritual journey, whatever phase I am or whatever situation I encounter in my life. I hardly go to Church or a Mosque or a Temple, I feel like the format of these institutions does not work for me, nor do I believe that God’s presence can only be experinced under the roof of such institutions,on a Sunday from 8am till 11.30am or let alone the evening slot. In my bold opinion God is and will forever be with you, wherever you are and you must choose whatevver path that works for you for a better holy connection. Although there is growing evidence that some people really get spiritual awakening from joining together with others in God’s name. If it works for you, then Good for you. Do whatever works for you to make this world a better place.


spiritual books.....
I read a lot of spiritual books and right now my spiritual teacher is Eckhart Tolle, whom in my opinion is a great messenger of a Higher Consciousness, whether you can call it God or whatever doesn’t matter but what matters is whether you can surrender your life to its guidance and protection. One of my deepest prayers and hope in life is to merge my personality (ego) with a much greater higher consciousness which I would like to call God so that I get to fulfil my most heartfelt purpose on earth. One of my favourite quotes in life is from the Holy Bible depicted from the words of Jesus from the cross “not my will but Thy will be done”, which I believe is a challenge for everybody, everyday. I find it amusing when some people believe having a knoweldge of some verses and chapters from the Holy Bible, and memorising them and then regurgitating them down other people’s throats, will some how make them more spiritual and more rightious than others. Every time somebody ask me; have you find Christ, I sometimes wanna respond with sarcasm and say ”well I didnt think he was lost therefore I ddin’t go around looking for him”. Some of the staunch Christian believers like asking, “do you belive in God or are you Born again?, I respond by saying If you want to know whether I am deeply faithful in whatever I believe in, just observe how I respond to challenges of life. The best indicator of whether somebody is TRULY faithful in whatever they believe in, is how they respond to being tested!
Minister of health.....
I really hope that I can be the Minister of Health of South Africa one day. I get goose bumps every time over the thought of being the Principal co-ordinator of our Health care system. There is a vibrant feeling within me which tells me that I can be a great leader who will come up with phenomenal ideas, policies and plans to make our health care system even much better. I do believe with all my heart that Primary Health care is the future of medicine. A lot of people need to be reminded about the basic health principles of prevention of disease. Factors that contribute to our dysfunctional family dynamics need to be addressed and dealt with. We need to re build dynamic societies led by enthusiastic community leaders that will do their best to help the community members to priorities their health and take care of the “temple of God”.


Greatness is achieved....
However I also deeply believe that in order to get to my greatest vision I have to honor every moment , every step that will lead me towards my grand vision. I have to honor the people I meet with , my colleagues, my friends , my patients. I have to honor whatever small challenge or task is presented in front of me. Greatness is achieved by honoring the small steps that are presented in front of you at any given moment. Therefore right now I am focusing on becoming good family Doctor, which is what I am working towards now. All my energies and intentions are focused on being the best Family doctor, Dr Oscar M. Mabele. Amen! One of my greatest fears is not living the life that was meant for me because I allowed somebody else or the world to define my life for me. I fear going against the natural flow of life, like going against God’s plans for me.
wish people.....
I really wish people would ask themselves this question: What kind of a person do you think you will be in 10 years time. My personal answer:I am really just open to the possibilities of what life can be. I am hoping for experiences that will shape, nurture and uplift my growth as in individual in all dimensions of life. I do plan to finish medical studies (which I did) and according to one of the best advices I received in 1st year; work for a few years for my community before specialising in Family medicine. I would also like to venture into business; I would like to invest in trading stores that are aimed at preventative medicine like the Herbal Life Empire.


my country.....
I would really love to stay in my country because I would like to honour those who laid the foundation for me, those who fought for the democracy and freedom that I have in this country. For those who laid the foundation for me, those whose names will never make the History books but whose voices, and songs echoes through the struggle of our country; for those who marched and imprisoned and even for those who died. I feel the responsibility to grab the opportunity to use my skills and talents in honour of their sacrifices, one way of saying THANK YOU!
Thank you very much.....
Thank you very much Dr. Scarpa for allowing me to write this essay, it really felt cathartic, I mentioned many things that I wouldn’t mention to my friends but I am really grateful that your department are busy re-introducing what I call “The Art of Medicine”. You are a pioneer of Great Medicine and for that I am grateful to know you.
” You are here to enable the divine purpose of the Universe to unfold. Thats how important you are! When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. You will eliminate alot of anger and false expectations.
